It's been six months since I have written anything. Six long months. During this time I have been treading water in the ocean of life. Not really going anywhere, splashing my arms so not to sink into the deep blue. It doesn't feel like 6 months, it feels like a lifetime. My arms are tired from keeping me afloat.
As you may have noticed, there is an understated kaos in my head. A true mind f&ck if you will, and this is something I have yet to conquer. Last year I questioned my purpose as a photographer in this world. Does my work have meaning? Does it speak to who I am? Does it tell a story the world needs to hear? For my wedding photography work, I think the purpose is clear and I love what I create and capture. My personal work is, for no better description, not clear.
Is this because I have not given time to create my own new work? Is it that I don't have the resources to truely do my ideas justice? Or is it that I am scared to try, for not wanting to fail to find the direction I am seeking? It also occurs to me that it may be all three.
I have been neglecting the personal growth by not allocating time for my own projects. I have been justifying that in my mind by the fact that allot of my free time, I have accepted requests for other peoples projects. By filling the space, there is no room for my own ideas.
The ideas I have and the stories I want to share are grand. I am not rich, nor famous, so I feel I would never be able to create the vision that is inside my mind. By not trying then how can I ever be disappointed.
Am I scared to try to find my purpose? I thought my purpose was to be a photographer. I know it is but now I feel there is a deeper purpose, to use my passion I have for this art to help the world somehow. I am scared that I won't find it.
It has been a long 6 months. What I do know now is that I must start moving forward or I will drown, so I have a choice. Face the fears and challenges these new ideas have, or continue floating as long as I can before eventually drowning into the deep. It's time to swim forward.
Because of these feelings I didn't enter the AIPP ACT state photography awards this year. This is why I didn't come out to play. I didnt think they told the story I was looking to tell. In truth I didn't know what I wanted to say.
I don't know what I have to say or how I am ment to say it, however I do know I have to start trying to say something. So please stayed tuned as I hope that when I next share my personal work it will be saying something. Not just a story but perhaps a little about me. I think it's time for me to come out and play.
Until then my friends, please enjoy life.